I'd Rather Be Thin_x

YAY

2006-06-11T14:41:18Z

115-116 again after eating pretty normal yesterday and NOT taking diet pills! =D

117

2006-06-08T11:27:26Z

W00t. 117, haven't seen that number in so long. <3

Hmm.

2006-06-07T13:43:25Z

Back down to 119 after fasting yesterday.
I feel so good and cleaned out right now.
I'm going to try to stick with slim fast today and maybe a small salad for dinner.
Walking for exercise today, if anything.
I don't like bulking up or exercising at all lately.

WTF.

2006-06-06T16:24:29Z

Never eating just one meal a day again. It's made me gain weight, I don't get it.
I always think I can trick my body, but I know I can't anymore.
Today I'm trying to do a shake/juice fast to see what happens.
121 as of this morning, after being 119'ish two days ago.
I need to get down to 115 urgently. It's not even that far off but it is taking so long and it's been so difficult to stay under 120.
I can't wait until my mom has her trip next week. I can eat what I want without anyone watching me.

pathtoperfect @ 2006-06-03T10:37:00

2006-06-03T14:37:54Z

119 arg.
After spending the night in jail!

pathtoperfect @ 2006-06-02T09:39:00

2006-06-02T13:41:22Z

Yay, back down to 118.
I ended up doing a 2 mile walk tape and drinking a bunch of diet pop last night.
Seemed to do the trick.
I thought for sure I was gaining muscle last night, because I felt so bloated but I guess not. =O

pathtoperfect @ 2006-06-01T16:56:00

2006-06-01T20:59:48Z

Phew, my hip bones are sticking out again.
Thank God.
My mom is starting to ask if I'm taking diet pills. I don't know why she even bothers, she knows that I am and I keep lying to her.

About 200 cals for breakfast today. (Orange & a half and Raspberries)
Maybe 200 (or less?) random calories from lettace & salsa and celery/Pickle.
A Boca Chili Bowl. (150)

So that's 550 calories and I just did a pilates tape. I probably won't eat for the rest of the night, if I can help it.
Yep.

pathtoperfect @ 2006-05-31T08:25:00

2006-05-31T12:28:29Z

Rawr. I want to get below 120 again, and it seems to be taking forever.
It might be because I'm working out extra hard and I'm gaining muscle.
I probably will take a break from the exercise today, just to see.
Taking Fareinheit instead of Zantrex today also.
We'll see what happens.

pathtoperfect @ 2006-05-30T09:25:00

2006-05-30T13:25:39Z

I just ate some oatmeal mixed with a little cold cereal, plus I had part of an orange.
(500-600 cals?)
I didn't even want to eat that much, it was like my mind was on blank.
Anyway, thank God it's only 9:30am. That means I have the whole rest of the day to fast.
I'll go for a long walk tonight and take my Zantrex.
Just did a three mile workout tape. (burned maybe 150-200 cals.) =D

pathtoperfect @ 2006-05-29T09:40:00

2006-05-29T13:39:21Z

I love losing weight again.
It's such a better feeling then the taste of dessert or sugary foods.
I just need to remember that this time.

Rawr.

2006-05-28T17:36:28Z

Back in the fight.
Back down to 120 this morning.
Hoping to be around 117 by the end of the week.
Once I get back down to 115 or lower again, I can finally do what I want with my life.
I can't fuck it up this time.

Fuck everyone.

2006-05-27T17:51:13Z

I can't even beleive this. I have struggled so much with my weight in the last few years. It's all I care about.
I finally lost all of the weight I had wanted to. My goal was to be 125 lbs and I got down to 115.
I was happy, but of course everyone said I had taken it too far and my mother ended up telling me I looked, "hideous."
She said she could see my backbone sticking out of my neck. I never thought I looked thin at all, but now when I look back at the photos, I do think I looked thin.
I kept wanting to lose weight, but in the last few months I've slowly put back on about 7 lbs. I cannot seem to get rid of them again.
It seems like those pounds are noticable, but no one had said another until last night.
My friend who I hadn't seen since I was 115 just blurted out, "You've gained weight. You look so good and healthy now." I couldn't even breathe, that's how much it upset me. I could not even smile for one moment the rest of the night.
This morning my brother said, "I hope you weren't upset when Jesse made that comment about your weight, he meant it in a good way." To me, this is just translated to, "Yeah, I agree that you have gained weight."
Why can't I be happy? I use to weight over 200 lbs and never expected to be 122 in my life, let alone 115.
To be truely happy I think I'd need to get down to 110 or 105, but now everytime I try to get back below 120, I cannot seem to do it. Either someone says, "You're so skinny now!" So I feel the "permission" to binge or something or what I'm dealing with now, "You've gained weight!"
Either I'm too fat or I'm too thin, why can't anyone just be happy for my overall weightloss?
How could 7 pounds make such a difference in people's opinions? Everytime I think of it, I literally feel like killing myself or hiding out forever.
I need to get rid of these 7 lbs fast and prove to myself that I can be what I want to be again. Maybe this time I'll actually be able to see myself for being thin like everyone else did. (Yeah, right.)

I've had an orange in a half, 1/4 of a banana and two strawberries since I've woken up. Also I took 2 Zantrex.

I don't know what I'm going to do about the rest of the day. My mother wants to go out to eat, maybe I'll just get a salad without the dressing.

I bought water pills and have a bunch of different diet pills laying around. (Any ones you recommened?)
I've never tried water pills before, anyone know if they really get rid of bloat/puffiness? =\

Phew.

2006-05-21T15:50:49Z

Back down to 120 this morning.
Thank God.
Won't weight in until about Thrusday or Wensday, depending on when we get back.
Only 5 more lbs to be back where I was and stay there.
Yeeep.
Walmart = Love.

Jesus.

2006-05-18T23:34:17Z

I reached my goal of 125 lbs and went below that, dropping to a new low of 115. That was amazing, I just didn't realized it then.
I weight about 123 now and I hate myself.
I'm getting into my old habits and I feel depressed and frustrated with myself. I need to get back where I was and keep some sort of positivity in my life.
I'm not going to weight myself until Sunday. I binged today so I'm expecting to be back around 122-123 by Sunday, depending on what I eat tomorrow and Saturday.
I'm going to be very strikt with myself this time and I'm going to try to track what I eat in here because I know it helped in the past.
This is for Keegan and for a better future. Even if it's just for a moment, I need to know what it's like to be truely happy.
Getting to 110 will not kill me, it will make me stronger and a more positive person.
I'd like to drop the weight and get to 115 again by sometime next week. Maybe Friday or Saturday.
Those last 5 lbs from 115 to 110 will be hard. I'll set my goal of that for June 22nd.
I need to do this, I can't be a fucking baby anymore.

Tomorrow; Low Carb or under 990 calories for the day. I know doing low carb will be much easier, but I cannot let myself binge on blue cheese or peanut butter again.
Saturday; Low carb or under 990 cals.
Sunday; Low carb
Will weigh myself again on Thrusday after getting back from Syracuse.
I need to feel clean again. When I feel clean I know my body is getting rid of the fast and excess water in my body.
JUST do it. Don't feel sorry for yourself, this will make you happier.

Yep.

2005-11-21T05:00:32Z

Maintaining.

118-117 as of lately. Fuck yeah. ;-)

I'm There.

2005-10-18T15:19:24Z

Maintained for the last week or so.
Why am I still not satisfied?

I've Made It.

2005-10-05T01:52:47Z

Still never enough.

OMG.

2005-09-24T14:37:35Z

126.5

2005-09-23T14:12:50Z

HOOT.

2005-09-18T14:40:32Z

pathtoperfect @ 2005-08-30T22:43:00

2005-08-31T02:43:53Z

pathtoperfect @ 2005-07-26T12:33:00

2005-07-26T16:33:38Z

DAYUM.

2005-07-09T02:50:44Z

Ugh, I'm so happy. I just went shopping with my mom and everything fit me!
I have NEVER gone shopping before and had that happen.
I take a size medium now! Just a few months ago an extra large didn't even fit me.
My mom did make me eat today though, and tomorrow's the party I mentioned in the last entry. I just didn't want to feel guilty tomorrow and be depressed, but I probably will now. :-\

I went out to dinner with my dad and got a chicken wrap, I only had half of it, but before we went out my mom made me try some cookies she made. I'm excited though, I know when to stop eating. I only had a few bites.
I haven't binged in so fucking long. When I have to eat, I eat what I want but only alittle of it. It's been working. Basically I fast all week, and my mom makes me eat sometimes, so I just eat alittle and go back right into the fast. It's been two weeks since the last time I ate a regular meal, until tonight. I don't think I gained though, probably stayed the same...I hope!

I saw a friend from last year tonight at a record store, last time she saw me I was 186 lbs and miserable, had black hair and looked like shit.
I heard a voice say, "Rebecca...?" She didn't even know if it was really me or not! She ran up to me after I looked over and she said, "Oh my god, you look so awesome! You look SO different!" It made my night. I was about to come home after eating half of the chicken wrap and eat the rest of it, but after hearing that I'm so motivated. Even more then ever.

I'm not eating the rest of the night, although I still feel bad for eating at all today. I didn't plan on it.
Oh well, I know now I have total control & that's an amazing feeling.